i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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