My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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