he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Randomize
