She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
