He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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