He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just had sex on a roof
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
