apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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