I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
