M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
