I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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