did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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