I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
