Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
false alarm. still invincible.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
