Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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