allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
