I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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