Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
