I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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