You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
ugly people sure do ruin things
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
