I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
