It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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