Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
