miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
porn star boner night. come get it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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