I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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