he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
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