every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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