i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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