I'm so fucking centered right now
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
