my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
