I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
