So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
