i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
you never un-have a 4some
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
