i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
