tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
