I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
