That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
