I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
