I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
