1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
