i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
