I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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