If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
