and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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