Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
