i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
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We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
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I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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