Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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