hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
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Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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