I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
