I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
