I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
