my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
