...so i touched it.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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