i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
