3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
