Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
