I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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