just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
