I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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