Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
