I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
