Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
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She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
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I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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